Mario was the horniest he’d ever been. 

He could feel the strain of his hard Italian cock pressed up against his overalls. He stomped down the dark corridor, ridiculing himself for his inability to score tonight. 

Used to be, I couldn’t keep them off me. Used to be, earning the privilege to suck off Super Mario was enough to earn your living for a year just by selling your story to a tabloid. Used to be, life didn’t seem so sad. 

A toad whose name he could never recall tripped over his little feet in an effort to open the castle door for Mario to exit. “Why the fuck do they all look the same?” he muttered under his breath. If I was in charge we’d skin the freaks and turn their swollen heads into 1UPs. 

He untied the rains of his latest Yoshi, sneering at another Toad manning the stables as he placed his feet in the stirrups. The effort to climb into the saddle fouled his mood even less – when was the last time he had the strength to jump into the saddle? Used to be he’d triple jump just for the hell of it. Now he risked throwing his back out before he’d even got out the door.

“Fuck getting old, fuck those uptight castle sluts, and fuck my whole goddamn life.”

Yoshi picked up speed, and the gyrating movements of the canter reminded Mario of a time he’d fucked Daisy while Princess Peach was in another castle. He’d swallowed a ‘shroom while inside her that day to swell his member up to twice it’s normal size, bringing her to a climax that had felt as if it’d lasted for hours. He’d paid off a servant to change the sheets and clean up the bedroom before the Princess had returned – at least those stunted fungi were good for something. But Daisy hadn’t returned his letters in years, and his tolerance has built up so much that even a Mega Mushroom barely got him to more than half a chub these days. 

Mario wracked his brain for any possible hookup options he’d missed. Memories of a Birdo snout-fucking him to completion brought a flicker of life into his trousers, as he daydreamed about spraying his linguine sauce all across her reptilian tits. But he’d grabbed the ass of a particularly plump one at the party earlier, and she’d blasted one of her eggs straight into his face, filling his eyes with creamy yolk. Word must have gotten around from last time. “Can’t even get a fucking animal like that to fuck me anymore…here I am the world’s most famous plumber, and I can’t even lay pipe with a dinosaur.”

There was only one option left. Mario had told himself this wouldn’t happen again, but he was getting desperate. Mario parked Yoshi outside of his home, slipping the reins around the stake in the yard. He started up the walkway towards his own door, but found his feet leading him around back. 

He growled to himself. “Fuck me. I used to have standards.” Even as he tormented himself for how sick he found the fantasies begin to once again enter his mind, he felt a primal lust taking over him. He could almost feel the flesh that would soon lie beneath him, a stain spreading across the blue denim of his pants as desire began eking its way out of him. After a moment of torment, of spirit fighting flesh, his base lust overpowered him. 

Mario walked quickly to the backdoor, cap pulled down over his eyes to hide from inquisitive neighbors. He knocked, vision blurring as adrenaline swept through his veins. 

A smooth Italian voice came from within. “H-hello? Who eees it?” 

“It’s uh-me, Mario!” he whispered hoarsely, voice thick with desire.”

“Mama mia!” the voice replied. “We did not in-expect you-uh again so soon! But come right in – I’m uh-already in the bedroom.”

Mario opened the door, stepping inside and quickly shutting it behind him. His thick-veined Italian salami began to throb to a beat of its own, springing to attention as he ripped off his own clothes, exposing a greasy body grown soft and fleshy with the cruelty of time. “Here we go!” he muttered to himself as he turned the corner and lept into the bed, “Luigi time!”