Don’t worry, this is not about high school kids.

My husband actually told me to write this because he thinks it’s hilarious and someone asked if I had ever had bad sex in my AMA last night. This story came to mind.

Also if any of you still thought I was cool, you’re about to see that I’m so fucking lame.

We all have that one person from high school, right? The one who everyone in school knows and is basically the the closest thing to a celebrity in your hometown?

Yeah, I was not cool enough in high school to hook up with him. He was two years older than me and dated a girl who was basically perfect looking.

I mean, I’m not going to do the whole, “I was such a nerd trope” because I was fine. I was pretty well liked and relatively social. I was just a normal amount of insecure and didn’t know how to dress myself.

*I still really don’t.*

I was DEFINITELY not cool enough for this dude though. Like, it was a miracle he even learned my name. It literally never even occurred to me to talk to him. He was so attractive I wasn’t attracted to him because it would never be a possibility.

The most annoying thing? He was fucking smart too. This would be so much easier if he was a dumb jock. He’s a damn doctor now and still beautiful.

*Bro, it’s embarrassing how girlish I am writing this. Apparently I am still 15.*

We had exactly one interaction in high school. I had people over one day for my friend’s party and he showed up. I was so shook I almost felt sick. I felt like I should apologize for him coming to my party because surely this did not live up to his coolness.

At one point I introduced myself and he was like, “Viola, I know who you are.”

*Omg! He spoke to me!*


“You date [high school BF] and you’re like queen of chess club.”

*Damn it. Why don’t I have a cooler hobby?*

We had a very short conversation but I could have sworn he was flirting just a little. Like just a wee bit of
Chemistry came through. Also when we jumped into my pool later he definitely checked out my swimsuit.

After that, we’d say hi when we saw each other in the halls or ran into each other at social gatherings, but obviously he was still too godlike status to interact with more.

Cut to: years later I run into this guy when I’m home from college. He says hi and I swear I’m still so intimidated it takes me a while to comprehend he’s talking to me.

We catch up for a bit and this mother fucker ASKS ME OUT.

Y’all want to know how lame I am? I texted all of my friends from high school immediately and called my dad.

*This story is so cringe.*

We go to dinner and actually have a very nice time. To my surprise I discover he’s a real person with actual depth. He had just gotten into med school, volunteered at a damn animal shelter, and liked the same books I did.

*Bro, just shut up and marry me.*

We “go for a drive” which I’m hoping is code for parking somewhere so we can make out.

*It was.*

At one point I am lame enough to say, “I can’t believe I’m out with you.”

I do not need to explain. He got it.

He laughs. “You know I had a crush on you in high school right?”

“You did not know who I was.”

“I did too. I came over to your house once.”

“You did…”

*Yes! He remembered!*

“And you once got food poisoning and projectile vomited in your chemistry class.”

“I did…”

*Fuck, he remembered*

*I see my reputation proceeds me. Damn it, small towns.*

“And you played chess. You read. You were friends with that girl from Oklahoma. You dated [high school boyfriend] until he cheated on you.”

*God damn it, is this a Disney movie? I mean, if Disney movies got dirty because I’m definitely about to jump this guy.*

“Do you mind if I pull over so we can talk?” He asks.

*Hell yeah I’m ok with you pulling over on a secluded dirty road.*

He brings up my ex again and asks if it still hurts. I shrug and explain I’ve had pretty cool experiences since then. Dating at my college is fun.

*Btw, my ex cheated on me with my best friend. On my birthday. In my bed. While I was downstairs. It still hurts. Lol.*

“Better than the dudes around here?” He asks.

“Not all,” I smile.

*Fuck yes, V! What a great line. You’re about to mack on the dude so many girls have thought of macking.*

“Can I kiss you?” He asks.

I nod!

*Yes! Young V is dying right now. Holy fuck he’s about to kiss me.*

He goes in sweetly and sweeps my hair to the side.

*Is this real?*

Rubs his thumb across my lower lip.

*Nice move, sir.*

He goes in for the kill and… licks my face.


Ok, that was odd but it cannot be this bad. Surely we can recover. I reach to kiss him and at first it’s pretty good. We go slowly and he parts my lips with his tongue.

*Ok, this is hot.*

I open my mouth slowly and… he just straight up kind of licks the inside of my mouth. Like a lizard. Like he goes in and out really fast.

*Bro, this is impossible. There is no way someone this hot never learned how to kiss.*

I can work with this though. We just need to get his mouth to other places.

The problem is, is car is very small. Even when we hop into his backseat, there’s not a lot of room to play… or exist.

I accidentally elbow him and he knocks my head into the window when he tries to get on top of me.

“I never thought I’d miss my dorm,” I mutter as I try to reach for his shirt. Even the act of removing it is a tragedy in itself. He is way too big for this small of a car.

*Ok, but his body is everything I ever dreamed it would be.*

He doesn’t even try with mine. He just puts his hand up my shirt. It’s so tight he barely even makes it to my breasts but does his best to fondle me like a rockstar.

*My husband is leaning over me laughing right now.*

Finally, I just try to straddle him, thinking this will be easier but I keep hitting my head on the roof of the car. He’s hard though and my obsessive crush is outweighing the complications behind these logistics.

Finally, I managed to pull his jeans down and start playing with him.

He um… moans?

It’s more like a squeak. Kind of like a dying bird. I have given some bad handjobs on my life but this one takes the cake.

Finally I just put him in my mouth because I don’t want him to see the confusion on my face and I’m hoping this just shuts him up honestly.

This dude comes in 3 seconds. I’m not kidding. Like I don’t even have time to do any of my moves.

*And I have moves, damn it!*

After years of fantasizing about sucking this dude’s dick, I don’t even get the chance to lick it.

I swallow though because I’m a saint.

He apologizes profusely for coming in my mouth without permission and I don’t know how to tell him that was not what I had an issue with.

He wants to keep going though and I imagine this cannot get any worse so I agree.

He pulls off my jeans and I let him finger me, but he’s SO BAD at it. Like, he has no rhythm at all and for some reason has gone back to making the dying bird noises.

I fake an orgasm. I do it. I’m sorry women everywhere. But I had to get this dying bird off of me.

The weirdest part was, the entire ride home he just keep talking about how great it was and about how we have to go out again before I head back to school.

I leave for school early to avoid this.

This is possibly the least sexy story I’ve ever written but whatever. Enjoy the reality.